Today at IV (Northeastern is too multicultural for AIV lol), we had one of the Intervarsity staff members at Harvard come to speak to us about jealousy. How our God is a jealous God. That He is jealous for us. And how that jealousy is a great and powerful and awesome thing to receive.
So I’m supposed to be studying Chem right now but lol procrastination.
It’s been a month of college. A month?? How crazy, time flies by so fast.
People tell you that you’re gonna fall in love with college and that it’s gonna be the best four years of your life and that you’re gonna meet the best people in your life.
What they don’t tell you is that you’re gonna miss your friends and family when you’re seven hundred and six miles away. What they don’t tell you is that it’s gonna suck not knowing anybody. Literally. Nobody. That you’re gonna have to face your fear of meeting new people. That the amount of times you say your name, year, where you’re from, and major will begin to rival the amount of times you’ve said the word “the” in the past four years.
What they don’t tell you is that it’s gonna be an even harder transition spiritually. That you’re not gonna want to hop churches and meet new people after new people. That at the end of the week you’re gonna be so exhausted that you don’t even want to get up Sunday morning to go to church. And then when you end up not going to church three weeks in a row, you’re gonna feel the guilt eating you inside out. But physically, mentally, you just can’t do it. The fear, the stress, the pure exhaustion of just having to socialize with new people is overwhelming. And the amount to which you feel all of this can be humorous, even laughable, to other people, but you can’t help it. This is you.This is how you feel.
So you lie. You lie to your friends and your family about the churches your visiting and the people you’re meeting. And as it builds up over the entirety of the first weeks of what’s supposed to be the first weeks to the best years of your life, you feel yourself spiraling downwards, grasping for a stronghold but getting nothing but air. And it’s like you’ve fallen back to ground zero. You’re back at the bottom. Square one.
So what are you gonna do now? There’s no where to go but forward. There is literally no further for you to fall. You might as well take that first step. No matter how small it is, you’re still gonna be going forward. You’re gonna pick yourself up off that ground and you’re gonna move forward.
And it’s gonna be okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
So I know you’ve been running, searching for something
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
It’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, Mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So Come Home
You can try to fix your broken empire
And put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you’d be building castles on the sand
There’s power in the blood of Jesus
Your Father’s screaming just come home
He’s reaching out His hands
well you’re gone now.
I know technically that’s not true but right now that’s what I feel.
I keep telling everybody that I’m fine and that it’s really not that sad but then I go to bed and I stare at my ceiling and I think of these past months and I want it all still.
I cry a lot. I guess it’s hard because I don’t know anybody here. I feel like I’m so alone. they don’t understand, y’know?
you know what’s funny is that I can’t really talk to anybody at home either because as long (or short) as we were together, nobody knew thanks to summer. so we started together and we ended together and we laughed together and we cried together and all these things that we did together don’t even exist to the outside world. the saddest part is that we don’t even have a real picture together. I mean how ridiculous is that? 3-4 months and not one good picture. it’s really like our relationship never existed.
it’s vanished into thin air.
it started the way it stopped.
and it stopped the way it started.
now, there is nothing.
I swim. I swim a lot. Too much. It’s something that I’ve definitely prioritized above everything else in my life - including my relationship with God. It was my one focus in life. I was told that I had the chance to do something great and I was ready to do anything in order to get there. I had to practice this hard and go these times and get this fast so that I’d get calls from these colleges and get this amount of scholarship and be this happy. It was a perfectly formulated plan to get everything I wanted. The only problem was that nowhere in it was God.
And honestly I can say that the last 4 years have been a struggle. The plan worked great up until I had to go “those” times. Time after time after time again I touched that wall and looked up at the board only to be disappointed yet again. And after two years of the same disappointment, I was just so done with everything. I hated my coach for setting up false expectations for me, I hated my parents for not understanding the time and money they were wasting, and I hated myself for not being able to go the times I was supposed to go. So one day I walked out. I told my coach I was done and I walked out on the one thing I had put as number one in my life for the past 8 years. That was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Swimming is all I’ve ever known. It’s been my whole life. The time I’ve invested in the sport is ridiculous. And to think that maybe the one thing I wanted in my entire life was something that I actually didn’t want at all? That’s crazy. Everything that I’d known was crashing to the ground with the realization that maybe I didn’t actually want to swim at all. Ever. So I quit swimming. But I went back for all the wrong reasons. I was too scared of a future without swimming. It was too different. Too uncomfortable. I felt like I had an obligation to myself and my parents for already putting in so much time and money to at least finish the plan like I was supposed to. Get my scholarship. Hopefully like one of the five schools I secretly all despised because they weren’t the ones that were in my original plan. It was all very cynical. And selfish.
But I mean, God still provided, as blind as I was to His provisions and blessings. I signed with Northeastern University, albeit quite bitterly and with much disappointment because it wasn’t the Big 10/SEC/ACC school that I had been told I’d be fast enough for.
Cynical. Bitter. Disappointed. That pretty much summed up all of last fall. I hated going to church and I never wanted to talk to anybody. But over Christmas break, for some unbeknownst, miraculous act of God, I decided to tag along with some friends to a church conference in Chicago. And so I went. Not really expecting anything. Of course, God works. It was ridiculously amazing how evident God worked in my life that week; how He put me in that conference to listen to the things I did because they directly applied to everything I’d been struggling with. For five days, they kept pushing and pushing the Gospel message. “You know Jesus died for your sins right?” “Yes of course, obviously I know that.” “No you don’t understand. He DIED for YOU.” And a light bulb went off in my head. I’ve known this stuff my entire life but never have I ever truly realized the importance of it. How insane God’s love for me is. That he loved me as an individual so much that he sent his only son down as a sacrifice to die for me. And then multiply that love by hundreds of billions for the rest of the people that lived, are living, and will live. It’s ridiculous. I can’t fathom it. Nobody can.
It dawned on me the amazing greatness of the Gospel. And I realized how foolish it was for me to push off baptism all these years. What I thought was a good, reasonable excuse to not get baptized was just that: an excuse for myself. Selfishness. But baptism is an act of obedience to God; one that I want to fulfill. I’m not ashamed of my faith anymore. I want to proclaim it. I don’t want to swim for myself. I want to swim for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31.
thEREIS A BURD IN MY HOISE OHMYGOSD I repeAT THERE IS A FRICKEN BIRD IN MY HOUSE FLYING IN MY HOUSE FLAP FLAP FLAPPY BIRD FRICK HELP
in my room w/ door slammed shut huddled underneath blankets will report back with updates
update: the bird left bye bye birdie