AHHHHHHH BEST DAY OF MY LIFE
in 3 hours.
plus the 6 dollars I get for just showing up to work.
16 bucks an hour.
I celebrated with an Oreo McFlurry.
a la mode.
Socializing is so much work.
too much work.
It’s amazing how clear it is to see God working through so many people.
And how excited and crazy they are to serve Him and give their life to His glory.
I’m in awe of them.
How unashamed they are.
bubble island bubble tea.
1 1/12 hour ride home.
chex mix muddy buddies.
SO. MUCH. FOOD. aghhh.
I just went to Emart.
Gloomy days like this can always be fixed with good Korean food.
and random variety shows in which you have no idea what they’re saying.
and plastic chairs and tables.
and that one family of like, 8 people that ordered in front of you so you end up waiting three times the wait for your food…
because they practically ordered every single dish.
So I’ll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. So I’ll stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered, all I am is Yours.
This song came on today when I was driving home from practice. And is it crazy to say that everything I’ve been running from these past months it kind of all crashed down on me with those words.
You spoke the earth into motion.
So much power, so much greater to be able to speak the earth into living, breathing, moving. As Esther would say, “This is our God”. Because that’s just how great and powerful he is—to the point of incomprehensibility. And that’s something I forgot. Wait no, I didn’t forget -I’d never forget- but it’s something that I’ve turned to hide from. Because life is just so much better and freer when you don’t have to think. It’s so much easier to leave everything behind and to go with the flow, slip into the mainstream, secular, conformity of society.
In awe of the One who gave it all.
How can somebody love something or anything at all so so much that they give up their life to follow that one thing forever? I am still at a loss for people like that. They’re in awe of Him. And I’m in awe of them.
It is crazy. These past few months…I’ve been so lost. I’ve slowly, but gradually been cutting off this rope I have tying me to anything of this so called Christianity. Not like I’ve ever doubted. Not like I’ve stopped believing. But because I didn’t have the strength to be. To just be the person I was expected to be. I grew apart from CBC friends- the kids I grew up with, I didn’t talk to them anymore. I lacked any root in any other church organizations I went to. There was no point to put all this effort into..almost nothing, it seemed. For me, and the way I saw my life compared to other people’s lives it was almost like there were people who weren’t Christians and yet, everything works out for them because they never knew God. They never knew Him so there’s no guilt in what they’re doing wrong. There’s no ‘wrong’ for them so everything works out just damn peachy. And then there’s me. Who struggles every. single. day. Who can’t even accomplish devos for two days straight, who sits and wonders why nothing is working for me. And everybody tells me I have to pray and be a good Christian otherwise God won’t bless me. So I’m cursed. The other people don’t have this God to please so they can do whatever the fuck they want and it doesn’t matter until they die. And they can be good at things and have all these damn accomplishments that I never got to have. And everybody who told me to pray and be good. Well those were the same people who told me those accomplishments I never got to have were because I didn’t pray and wasn’t good. And yet the other people who never knew Him don’t have to pray and be good. The way I saw it, everything was just so much better if you weren’t forced to know and I was sick of knowing. That’s when I gave up. I was in this deep hole in the ground with ropes and ladders all around me pleading that I take their help but I never did.
I chose to stay there.
Because finally, finally I was fitting into friends and people. They liked me. And it was great, to be liked, to be loved. That sense of belonging that I had never found in the places I was supposed to. It was great to be able to have fun without tension and panic. Without the thought of oh, I shouldn’t be doing this. It was fun. It was free. I was free.
Is that scary? Do you think it’s scary? How close to the edge I am right now that I might just fall over and never look back?
Don’t be scared.
It’s just the truth.