So I’ll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. So I’ll stand, my soul Lord to you surrendered, all I am is Yours.
This song came on today when I was driving home from practice. And is it crazy to say that everything I’ve been running from these past months it kind of all crashed down on me with those words.
You spoke the earth into motion.
So much power, so much greater to be able to speak the earth into living, breathing, moving. As Esther would say, “This is our God”. Because that’s just how great and powerful he is—to the point of incomprehensibility. And that’s something I forgot. Wait no, I didn’t forget -I’d never forget- but it’s something that I’ve turned to hide from. Because life is just so much better and freer when you don’t have to think. It’s so much easier to leave everything behind and to go with the flow, slip into the mainstream, secular, conformity of society.
In awe of the One who gave it all.
How can somebody love something or anything at all so so much that they give up their life to follow that one thing forever? I am still at a loss for people like that. They’re in awe of Him. And I’m in awe of them.
It is crazy. These past few months…I’ve been so lost. I’ve slowly, but gradually been cutting off this rope I have tying me to anything of this so called Christianity. Not like I’ve ever doubted. Not like I’ve stopped believing. But because I didn’t have the strength to be. To just be the person I was expected to be. I grew apart from CBC friends- the kids I grew up with, I didn’t talk to them anymore. I lacked any root in any other church organizations I went to. There was no point to put all this effort into..almost nothing, it seemed. For me, and the way I saw my life compared to other people’s lives it was almost like there were people who weren’t Christians and yet, everything works out for them because they never knew God. They never knew Him so there’s no guilt in what they’re doing wrong. There’s no ‘wrong’ for them so everything works out just damn peachy. And then there’s me. Who struggles every. single. day. Who can’t even accomplish devos for two days straight, who sits and wonders why nothing is working for me. And everybody tells me I have to pray and be a good Christian otherwise God won’t bless me. So I’m cursed. The other people don’t have this God to please so they can do whatever the fuck they want and it doesn’t matter until they die. And they can be good at things and have all these damn accomplishments that I never got to have. And everybody who told me to pray and be good. Well those were the same people who told me those accomplishments I never got to have were because I didn’t pray and wasn’t good. And yet the other people who never knew Him don’t have to pray and be good. The way I saw it, everything was just so much better if you weren’t forced to know and I was sick of knowing. That’s when I gave up. I was in this deep hole in the ground with ropes and ladders all around me pleading that I take their help but I never did.
I chose to stay there.
Because finally, finally I was fitting into friends and people. They liked me. And it was great, to be liked, to be loved. That sense of belonging that I had never found in the places I was supposed to. It was great to be able to have fun without tension and panic. Without the thought of oh, I shouldn’t be doing this. It was fun. It was free. I was free.
Is that scary? Do you think it’s scary? How close to the edge I am right now that I might just fall over and never look back?
For once you finally see what I’m thinking and you say I’m at risk. Hell, you should know that it’s been a while. The risk has been risked and it’s far too late to turn back now. Stop trying to control everyone’s lives. You’ll end up with nobody on your side.
It has not so much been a way to take that next step in life, that next step in responsibility.
No. It’s more like.
I’ve realized how lonely I’ve become and what it’s done to me. I’ve realized just exactly how anti-social I’ve become, and how I can no longer carry a conversation. Much less initiate it. I’ve realized that life sucks not having any good friends. Not just friends. But good friends. Not besties. But good. …If that makes any sense.
The kind where you text and call 24/7, the kind where they literally know every detail of your life. Where you introduce them to your other friends and they introduce you to their other friends. Where they are able to invite themselves on your family trip up north. And it really doesn’t matter because they’re thismuch a part of your family. I need the good friend who will know every single aspect of who I am and what I do without judgement.
And really, that’s the problem. Because I am a two-faced double edged sword. I am a diamond with too many facets. I am the most infinitely-pieced-together kaleidoscope.
See, I’m too much.
Too much in too little a being.
I dabble and I can’t commit.
Can’t commit to the good. Can’t commit to the bad.
So far I’m the only one I know who’s like this.
And being this fake person with too many sides to life…